ALEX

As a gender fluid person I struggled with coming out, because “Genderfluid" is a newer term. Genderfluidity is when a person’s gender is fluid, it changes by the hour, day, week, and so on. Although lots of people were confused, they accept me for who I am. I also am queer, as a queer person I don’t like being labeled as a certain sexuality. I just like all people for who they are, not their gender.

I was 17 when I came out to my best friend as gay.  I had known all my life that I was different and had always hidden it well I thought.  When I told him that I liked guys I expected him to never talk to me again.  I spent months trying to figure out how to tell him and when I finally did, unexpectedly at a party, he just said he already knew it and it changed nothing!  

My name is Linda.  I’m 60, and I'd guess that I'm one of the oldest stories to be included here.  I grew up in a very loving but conservative Christian family, and for most of my life, I looked pretty good on the outside, all while I waging battles with myself on the inside.  In my late 20's, I figured out how to come out as a lesbian and keep my reputation and my family's need for me to be a good kid intact.  I settled down with my partner who was a minister, ran organizations in the LGBT community and raised two incredible sons.  It all looked great on the outside.  But inside, I was sad and lonely and weighted down with the pressure of being good for everyone else's sake.  So a couple of years shy of my 60th birthday, I risked coming out in a whole new way.  I left my relationship, I left my work, and I started over.  It's not easy - it is the hardest thing that I have ever done - but it's good, and I can feel me growing stronger and more sure of myself.  I have no idea what's ahead, but I'm excited to find out.  I guess that's my point - coming out is never really easy, but almost always worth it in the end.  I'm attaching a photo of the poster from the first March on Washington that hangs by bed.  It's my reminder to me.

I'm Sara, 29 years old. I wouldn't exactly call it a coming out in the usual terms, as it was more me finding myself and a definition that fit who I am versus the usual telling people something they don't know. My family has always been aware I am not romantically inclined. I did date a bit in high school because it was the thing to do and since then haven't had another relationship. It just didn't fulfill me, I had little interest in the process, and all of the three I had came to a halt with me breaking it off.  Always just thought I was independent, or jokingly people called me a spinster with a dog instead of a cat. It actually wasn't until the pandemic that I was browsing on the LGBTQIA+ Wiki with flags of every sort (was doing art for a friend and needed color references for their flag) and I stumbled upon Aromantic. It really finally clicked. More than anything it was that moment of finally having a way to explain to people I wasn't going to be in a relationship, didn't have desire to, and hate many aspects of it. You'd be surprised how often I'd say 'not into relationships' and have to take ten minutes to explain. While then being called weird, or abnormal. Even in these times with trans rights and more openness about LGBTQ issues I feel like the sexuality and identity side are more understood than the romantic aspect. Which is probably why it took so long to find. Before then I always just thought maybe it was Asexual that fit me, but that had nothing to do with my desire to be alone (with my dog, she is my life partner more than a human could be.) So it has been really freeing. I did bring it up to family and they all said 'we knew that, suspected asexuality at least,' which was kind of funny, though they are and always have been accepting people. I got lucky they never judged my lack of desire to date.  Most may not want labels put on them, but to not have any easy way to define who I was when so many asked, and society is so romance focused, I felt kind of stuck. Now I can just say 'Aromantic, Gray Asexual' if that sexuality part even comes up. I just don't desire partnership in any aspect of my life. Yet I'm happy, and that seems to throw people off who really can't imagine not always dating. I feel lucky in a way to be able to focus on my mental health and other issues than worry about another person. Of course I have friends and family I love, but find those relationships deeper than with any of the few people I'd dated.

I don’t really remember what day it was, but the greatest part of that day was seeing my parents open arms for me. It was about a year and a half ago. A year before that, I had believed I was Lesbian. So, I went on as ‘straight’ until I knew it was the right time to tell everyone. I was so nervous; I couldn’t help but think I might be thrown out, or not be cared about anymore. I took a breath, and I

walked into the room where my mom and dad were sitting. {Again, it was a while ago, so I have forgotten a bit of what I said.} I began to speak, what I remember saying was, “Mom, Dad? I'm a lesbian!” When I saw them with big smiles, I knew that telling them then was the right thing for myself. My dad said, “I don’t care who you love, as long as it is legal.” A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had been accepted by the people I love most! And to this day, I am loved! I am accepted, and I am true to myself and my family.

So, when my sister came out of the closet there was no surprise. It was pretty obvious Phoenix was lesbian, and there was no way I wouldn’t accept zer. The first year was very new for me, because I had never had a family member or friend come out as gay or lesbian, etc. Then ze decided to change zer pronouns to they/them/their. That was very challenging especially for my dad, but I was willing to go by zer pronouns. You might be wondering why I am saying ze/zer and not they/them. That’s because ze changed zer pronouns to ze/zer so it would showcase the same meaning, but be easier to say than they/them. If Phoenix changes zer pronouns again or sexuality, I’ll accept zer no matter what.

 I grew up in North Texas, in a small conservative town where being gay wasn't really something people were proud of.  Throughout childhood, I knew I felt different from everyone  else. Middle school hit, along with the fun of puberty, I was then able to name the thing that made me different. I was gay.  I stayed quiet about my sexuality all through high school.  In a small town word would spread fast, so I kept to myself most of the time, and let the occasional gay slur slide when I would hear them at school.  I continued to stay in the closet throughout college, because I was deeply religious.  I didn't feel like the people I surrounded myself with would accept me if they knew.  Throughout college I tried my best to "pray the gay away" in hopes that I could turn my self straight, and could still have a wife and family.  My last year of college was a difficult year, my grandmother passing at the beginning of the school year pushed me to really examine what I wanted from my life.  That last year of college continued to grow harder until the spring when I made the decision to come out.  I had gotten to a point of being so unhappy, that I didn't care what people thought.  Yes, I would probably lose friends, but keeping friends while being dishonest with myself was something that working for me anymore. I did lose friends after that, but internally I felt so much more free. As I came out, even though I could feel old friendships diminishing, I began to form deeper friendships with a whole new group of people.  This was a group of people who accepted me completely, friendships where I could finally be honest.  The road of coming out is not necessarily an easy one, but it's definitely one of the most life giving decisions someone can make.  Even as an almost 30 year old male, I still have moments when I think it would be easier to be like everyone else and then I remember who I was in the closet. I remind myself of the joy that comes with living my most authentic life. Since coming out, I've been able to learn how to truly love myself, and that is the most important gift anyone could give themselves.  Coming out and embracing the LGBTQIA+ community is not for the faint of heart, that is why I believe not all people are chosen to be a part of it.  It takes someone with great strength to stand up and say "I am different and I am proud!" It takes strength to accept others who are different, it takes strength to authentically love people.  So when I think about being a gay man, I am filled with pride.  Even though it's been a tricky path at times, I have grown so very proud of gay.  I am proud to identify myself with a culture of people that represents so much love and acceptance as that as the LGBTQIA+ community.

My name is Taraya and I am 17 years old. When I was in middle school (13 years old) I remember I began to question my sexuality. I wasn’t able to differentiate between my platonic versus romantic desires/crushes. I had a female friend and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be her friend or something more. After some research I began to believe that I was bisexual/bicurious but I never “officially” decided on a label. It took me a while, but when a guy friend of mine asked me to a school dance, I realized that I really liked him, and that I wasn't attracted to the girl romantically like I thought I was. I was just questioning/bicurious. It took a lot of experiences, but I learned in time that I was more straight, but being able to be bicurious was an important time in my life. And now of course I am and will always be an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community.

I’ve always believed love and sexuality was a spectrum. Growing up, my world was small, and I didn’t really have exposure to queer representation. My social circle was cisgendered heterosexual people and even though I always felt a little out of place, I never attributed it to my sexual identity. I had crushes and dated, but nothing ever really stuck or felt real. I just felt lonely. Once I graduated, all my peers were getting engaged/married/having kids, and I felt even more isolated; I realized that ONE version of a future didn’t fit for me. I was on dating apps for about 3 years dating on and off, but it all felt so forced.   When the pandemic hit in 2020, I was no longer in the perception of the public and I started to feel a freedom in expressing myself outside of the confines of heteronormative gender expression. I changed the settings in my dating apps and begin meeting people all over the spectrum and it just felt so much warmer. Even when it didn’t work out with people, the experiences felt more genuine. A year ago I met my current girlfriend and I’ve never been happier. The queer community is such a welcoming and empowering one. Since coming out, Ive gotten involved in the Diversity, Equity & Inclusion board at my job, I’m more involved in politics, and I’ve made some incredibly authentic relationships. It’s inspiring to see younger people so open and loving, and it’s important they continue to influence generations to come!

My coming out story is 30 years old! I know, in this day and age, it might seem quite hard to believe but things were very different in the early 1990’s. There were very few gay role models on television. It was still quite a taboo subject for broadcasters and the media to address in a positive light. I personally found it a difficult and frightening subject to broach with my  friends and loved ones. Like most, I had a terrible fear of being rejected by those I loved. There were no obvious support networks to reach out to. In my second year of university (1991), one of my friends worked weekends at a bar in town.  She introduced us all to lovely guy she worked with who happened to be openly gay. One was the first gay person I had ever knowingly met. I had been struggling to understand my own sexuality for a few years, I knew from a young age that I wasn’t straight, but I just couldn’t relate to the few gay personalities that we were exposed to on television. No one had been openly gay at school. My family and friends didn’t talk about sexuality. Even during my first year at university there was no one out as gay and no one I could talk to. I was lucky.  Very lucky. This gay man who became our friend recognized my struggle and was discreet and sensitive to my questions. Over the course of a couple of months he persuaded me to find the courage to open up to some of my friends. They were very supportive and over the next year I met more people just like me and so many others living their own gay lives. The gay scene in the early 1990’s in the city of Leeds (UK) was still partially hidden from society. Some pubs still had boarded up windows and extra security for fear of attracting unwanted attention. There were a couple of good gay night clubs that were large on the inside but the entrance was less glitzy and obvious to a passerby. Strangely it was always very easy to get a taxi home. Apparently the taxi drivers clearly preferred their gay passengers as they were polite, always paid their fare and never caused them them trouble! Finding such a welcoming community,  where I was free to express myself, felt like a weight had instantly lifted from my shoulders. I have so much to thank my university friends and the Leeds gay community for. They were sensitive, compassionate, caring, supportive and so much fun. I left university and the city of Leeds with enough confidence and courage to pack my bags and travel the world for two years. I threw myself into new experiences, began to find myself as a person and to understand who I really was. The first city I settled in was Sydney, Australia. I still have such an affinity for the place as it’s there where I really consider I found myself. Coming out to my family was a whole different story! Just before my travels I went home to my family for a couple of weeks. My mum discovered a letter from an ex girlfriend that disclosed my sexuality. My parents confronted me about it and there was shouting, anger, upset  but ultimately tears and hugs all around. The short version is that my parents loved me regardless of my sexuality. They admitted they didn’t understand much about the gay lifestyle but were willing to learn and try to understand. It was a very unsettling couple of weeks but me leaving to travel so soon afterwards gave us all a breathing space to take stock learn more and reflect. We kept in regular contact via phone and post and I came home two years later to a loving family who I knew loved me no matter what. The strange thing is that If my mum hadn’t found the letter and my parents hadn’t found the courage to confront me about my sexuality when they did, the truth is, I may never have returned at all. For that, I am truly blessed.  Steve, age 52 married to Paul with daughter Lucy aged 2.5  

Finding out I was aromantic asexual was definitely a process for me. For the longest time when I was little I would fantasize about living with a friend and getting married for the tax benefits and shared income (yes I thought of these things as a young child) but I never thought of being in a romantic or sexual relationship. Then one day in 6th grade one of my friends was talking about how she thought sex was gross and she never was sexually attracted to anyone, and called that concept asexuality. For me, that was a revelation, I had never thought that maybe the way I felt was normal. I didn't really have access to the internet so I didn't learn about aromanticism until a year later when I got an iPad. So I still thought it was weird that I didn't want to be in a relationship either. But when I found out it was like I truly knew how to describe myself and I found out that it was normal. After that, I came out to my close friends and when I went to high school I eventually came out to my new friends. When the moments came to come out to my parents though, it didn't go so well. They definitely think it's a phase and I'll grow out of it but in time they will see...hopefully. Being aro/ace will always be confusing, I sometimes think about what if I am not actually aro/ace and I just haven't found the right person and what I actually lying to my friends or I'm just doing this for attention to be different and I'm just not putting in the effort to find someone to love, but at the end of the day you just have to trust yourself to a certain degree and leave it for whatever is to come. Overall I've accepted my sexualities pretty well but sometimes people say things that make you feel like you're not supposed to feel the way you do, like on national coming out day I came out to my class because I knew they mostly understand and before that, I hadn't really come out to a group of people so I wanted to try it and after I told them most were supportive but one kid asked why I came out because no one cares if I want to have sex or not, and I'll have to admit, that hurt. Because I was friends with this person and I was caught off guard, my automatic response to someone disagreeing with my opinion is to agree, so I said "I came out because I know it doesn't matter". I regret saying that to this day. Because I invalidated myself and didn't stick up for something that is a part of me and will never change. I wish I explained to this person what asexuality and aromanticism were so they were educated on the subject because I know this person and they were just ignorant on the subject. But now I will never get the chance to tell this person because they moved schools before I actually realized how much it hurt me to say that about myself and have the chance to fix it and have closure. I have definitely felt sad about not being able to feel romantic love for another person before, but I have realized that I have wonderful friends who accept me, and I will be alright in the end. I still dream about living with a friend who is probably also aromantic asexual and adopting an older child and co-parenting them with my friend and living a happy life without being in a relationship and being the cool grandma whose grandchildren look up to and would go bowling or something with. But I'm content with the realization that I'll be okay even if I can't love someone romantically or sexually.

My name is Christian and I am gay. Ever since I was a child, I always acted by feminine and knew I was different but didn’t know why. I always thought I was different people and I wanted to be a famous actor on tv and broadway. I didn’t come to realize what gay was until the end of middle school since I didn’t grow up knowing anything about that. I officially came out freshman year of high school after just having my first kiss after a fashion show called STRUT. From then on, me and my boyfriend hung out often and I started to realize I didn’t know anything about being gay until he would start to explain to me what it meant. He would show me RuPual’s Drag Race and different movies that had to do with being LGBTQ+. It was at that moment when I realized I was uneducated as a gay person, and even more as a Hispanic gay person. Having to deal with how society’s reaction of being in both of these communities was something I realized made my life more difficult than others. As I’ve grown as a gay hispanic man in high school I realize that being LGBTQ+ means you’re leading a better path for the next generation. My senior year, I decided to run for President of the LGBTQ+ club at school to try to make a safe place at school for kids like me. Now that my last year of high school is almost over, I want to do more as a leader and want to be the representation for gay people in the military. I’ve come to realize that my life may be hard, but there is always someone out there having to deal with unprecedented circumstances. As a young gay hispanic man I still have so much more to learn and as a leader I have even more.

Hi my name's TJ, I’m 16 years old, I am non-binary and queer. My journey really started my freshman year when I met this guy that I really liked. He and I went out for a little while and eventually went back to being friends. Later in the year I met this girl and noticed I felt the same way about her as I did the guy. This really confused me a lot because I never expressed attraction towards girls before. This is kind of when I realized the label “straight” didn’t fit me. I live in a house where sexuality isn’t something we talk about. Everyone I know is straight so I just kind of assumed I was too. This was a big discovery for me and I still don’t have a label for what I feel. So I just call myself queer. When I was a sophomore, I got more confident in myself and I became more expressive in how I presented myself. This made me realize the label “girl” wasn’t right for me. I kind of felt like I existed not as one gender. I switched to they/she pronouns for a little but decided that non-binary was the best term for me and have used they/them pronouns since. Because of the way my family is, this isn’t something we discuss a lot. I know they would accept me after a while but I’m afraid to deal with their grief of losing their daughter and how they will react before they finally learn to accept me for who I am. But at the end of the day this is who I am and it’s not gonna change. And I love myself for it.

I've never come out to my family as gay. Though I feel as thought they'd be accepting, part of me feels it is still too risky. Throughout my childhood, the word was always used as an insult towards me, by my siblings, from people in school, and I constantly heard it being used as an insult around me. I never considered that I might be gay until the start of middle school. However, then, I thought, maybe I was bisexual, though I never really held feelings for either men or women. I had a girlfriend, though I felt nothing towards her. I think, funnily enough, it was video games that I played that helped me realize my sexuality. I never picked the girl companions, only the male ones. If a video game asked me to pick a character to marry, as much as I disliked it at the time, I only ever thought of the male characters. Eventually, I was able to accept and acknowledge that yes, I am gay, around the time I started going to my very accepting high school. Of course, it couldn't just be that, though. Coming out as gay to my friends was easy enough, though around the summer in the beginning of quarantine, I started having conflicting feelings about gender, too. (Honestly though, I think the feelings towards gender were even more deep-rooted, there was a time I can remember that I wanted to be a girl.) I was misgendered a lot as a child, and though I would make a show about it bothering me, it never really did. Looking like a guy and a girl always seemed like a compliment. Of course, when I came out as nonbinary to my friends months later, it wasn't too big of a surprise.